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Sit, Stay, Destroy – Caring for Your Pet Raptor

Apartment Living

Maria Salova

So you’re looking to adopt a baby raptor for the first time. Congratulations! You’re going to have a lot of fun with your new pet, as long as you learn a few things first. Keeping a baby raptor in your apartment may sound daunting, but it’s easily manageable with a few key tips and tricks. Here’s a guide to keeping your apartment safe with your newly adopted hatchling.
Caring for your Pet Raptor
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Raptor Facts:

  • The word “velociraptor” means “speedy thief” in Latin. Translated, this means: Make sure you lock up those treats. Raptors are very food-motivated and can use their sharp claws to get at any snack they want.
  • Raptor tails are made of hard, fused bones. Their tail helps them keep their balance when they run. If you don’t have a tail made of fused bones, probably don’t try to outrun them. They will beat you, and they love playing chase — but you don’t want to know what happens when they catch you.
  • All raptors have a sickle-shaped talon on the second toe of each foot. That talon will tear the stuffing right out of sofas and chairs. Be prepared to go through a few sets of furniture before your raptor is trained properly. All these furniture sets will likely cost you several thousand dollars, so be sure to set that money aside before you adopt your hatchling.
  • In the wild, raptors eat reptiles, amphibians, insects, small dinosaurs and small mammals. They’re not picky, so do not leave these guys on their own at the dog park. It’s best to avoid off-leash parks overall and stick to on-leash raptor parks. Check Google Maps for raptor parks in your area.
  • On average, raptors are about 3 feet tall and weigh up to 35 pounds. Make sure to check your apartment’s lease to see what the maximum allowed weight for pets is.

Raptor Tips:

  • Most importantly, make sure your apartment allows pets! Your property manager will not be happy if he or she finds a surprise raptor hatchling in your apartment. To find a pet-friendly apartment, you can search on ForRent.com, which allows you to filter your search by pet policy.
  • Make sure all your cabinets and doors lock. Because their brains are very large relative to their bodies, raptors are highly intelligent. They open knobs and turn door handles, and they love to do it.
  • Install a bar lock on the outside of your door to use when you leave in the morning. This will prevent your raptor from escaping, which he or she will be constantly trying to do.
  • Raptors are pack animals and are good at working together. So keep in mind that if there’s another pet raptor in your neighborhood, your furniture will be shredded twice as fast. For this reason, if your raptor has a play date, make sure the two (or more) raptors have human supervision at all times.
  • Bar the windows to keep your pet from escaping. Since raptors can easily bite through plastic, steel is best.
  • Raptors love to chew, especially if they’re recently hatched and teething! Coat any cords, furniture and other tempting targets in foil to discourage this behavior.
  • Raptors can jump 30 feet in the air — fun for tricks but not great for ceiling fans. Remove anything hanging from the ceiling until your raptor is trained not to jump indoors.
  • Hungry raptors can easily chew through your freezer to get at delicious frozen meats. Invest in a steel-plated sub-zero freezer or see if your neighbors will store your food for you.
  • To protect your home from complete destruction, crate your raptor when you’re away. A crate of 12’x15’x20’ is perfect. Be aware that crates made from wood or steel (recommended, as raptors can chew through lighter materials too easily) can weigh up to half a ton, so check with your property manager to see how much weight your apartment can hold.
  • Your raptor will be a clever girl (or boy). Buy him or her an Interactive IQ Raptor Treat Ball for mental stimulation. Simply fill the ball with hunks of raw meat, then watch as your raptor tries to figure out how to get at the treats inside — or shreds the IQ ball in seconds.
  • To keep your raptor happy and healthy, mimic his or her wild diet as much as possible. Feed your hatchling a mix of crickets, mealworms, live rats and meat from larger animals. Store live insects in your fridge to keep them dormant until they’re released into your raptor’s food bowl.
  • Although raptors don’t need as much water as mammalian pets, they still love to drink from the toilet. Use baby-proofing mechanisms on the toilet lid and install a chain flush, which they aren’t able to use. As an alternative, consider removing your toilet entirely.
  • Raptors are loud and shriek constantly. You might want to soundproof your apartment to avoid angering your neighbors and having to deal with noise complaints. At roughly $2,000 to $3,000 per room, soundproofing is an almost-affordable and smart option. Remember to check with your property manager before making any alterations.
  • Your raptor will need to go for long runs to get plenty of exercise. Make sure you have an unbreakable leash — no canvas leashes allowed! Carbon fiber is popular with owners who are worried about steel chains pinching their raptors’ scales. After you’ve bonded with your new pet, hop on a motorcycle and take him for a run! Make sure you keep your eye on him, the highways are full of distractions and potential meals. Someone’s going to sleep well tonight!
  • Play apartment-safe games with your raptor. Your hatchling will love chasing after balls or indestructible toys. Find raptor toys made of wood or metal, throw them for your raptor and quickly get out of the way. Don’t forget to move all your furniture! Otherwise, it will be destroyed in seconds.
  • Give your raptor lots of love. If you’re an adult who weighs more than 100 pounds, you can safely hug your raptor for up to 3 seconds at a time without angering it. If you’re a child or especially small adult, just tell it you love it from across the room. Do not make eye contact.

 
Caring for a raptor hatchling may sound intimidating, but if you just keep your little guy crated; don’t leave it alone for extended periods of time; baby-proof all knobs, doors and toilets; bar your windows; never leave food out; always stay away from its teeth; don’t irritate it with loud noises; don’t let it anywhere near small dogs or babies; and never make eye contact; you can lead a long and happy life side-by-side with your hatchling.
* DISCLAIMER: Always read your apartment’s lease carefully before purchasing a baby dinosaur. Be sure your apartment community allows pets up to 35 pounds and does not have breed restrictions that only allow herbivores.
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Posted: June 9, 2015

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