We’ve all watched a good alien invasion film from the comfort of our apartments, but what if our apartments were no longer comfortable because of the risk of alien invasion? We all know the risks: abduction, enslavement and the general vaporization of all humankind (or at least the White House). But if we’ve learned anything from the classics, it’s that we won’t go quietly into that glowing green tractor beam; we’ll stand our ground.
So for those of you who are true believers or those who just didn’t renew their alien invasion insurance, here’s a breakdown of how to protect your place from all kinds of interplanetary invaders.
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Step 1: Know Your Enemy
Sure, they’re all from outer space, but that doesn’t mean they’re all the same. In fact, there is a litany of different variations of the “little green man” … some not even so “little” or even “green.” Here’s a breakdown of the most common types of aliens.
-The Greys: Your classic abductors, these guys — whether tall or short — are looking to examine you and what makes you tick to get a better understanding of humankind.
-The Reptilians: The galaxy’s real estate developers, these guys are in the business of acquiring new planets to add to their portfolio.
-The Nordics: More of your friendly neighbor type, these guys quietly sneak onto our planet and leave behind instructions and other tools of knowledge (Stonehenge, anyone?).
-The Draconians: Divide and conquer, that’s what these guys do. Unless you’re into a lifetime of intergalactic slavery, you better hope these terrible bosses of the universe won’t be showing up anytime soon.
-The City Destroyers: They come. They see. They blow the entire planet up with their superior warships. Not good.
Step 2: Know Where and When
Just like real estate, for aliens it’s all about “location, location, location!” Aliens have preferences for the places (and the people) they frequent, so if you happen to live in one of these states, you might want to assess the risks appropriately. Here’s a breakdown of the top five states for reported abductions.
-California: 11,202
-Florida: 5,113
-Washington: 5,005
-Texas: 4,359
-New York: 3,837
Step 3: Defend Yourself
-The Bait and Switch: It may seem like simple foil compared to their advanced space tech, but a good, old-fashioned decoy in your bed can work wonders.
Install Motion Detectors: Alien abductions tend to happen during the deepest stages of your sleep cycle, so a buzzing alarm will help you snap your way into a speedy escape.
-Stick to the Sheets: A tractor beam can easily slip you out from under your covers, but a little-added tethering to secure yourself to your bed will keep you from boarding that UFO for parts unknown.
-Blackout Curtains: Aliens aren’t really coming to Earth to steal your flatscreen or raid your liquor cabinet; they’re coming for you. A good pair of blackout curtains will not only help you get a better night’s sleep, but it might just convince the would-be captors that you’re not home.
-Purrrfect Protection: Cats have long been thought to scare off the Third Kind, so if your building happens to allow a furry companion or two (or six), they just might be the perfect protective force against any potential encounter. Not the cat type? Inquire into whether your building has a resident cat lady, because it might just be enough strength in numbers to shield the whole complex.
-Flicker Some Flame: Aliens get particularly freaked out by fire, so if you’re lucky enough to have a fireplace in your apartment, make good use of it. For the rest of us, some well-placed candles should do the trick and, as a bonus, really set the mood for your interplanetary guests.
-Get Sweet With Them: Okay, so the idea of giving aliens a peace offering of candy might only succeed if you’re dealing with E.T., but you never know, so keep a few options beyond Reese’s Pieces stocked. Worst case: You have a nice snack after your captors return you to your apartment following a battery of tests.