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Evolution of a Single Guy's Apartment

Apartment Living

Maria Salova

You can tell a lot about a man by the home he keeps. His apartment is a snapshot of what is happening in his life at a given time. We start the progression of a typical male’s home dwelling with just him, all by himself.
Evolution of a Single Guys Apartment
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Furniture
Foraging alone, The Single Man has obtained most of his furniture secondhand from either the kindness of family members, relics from college he couldn’t part with or an online classified site. At this point in his life, his needs are simple: a sofa to play video games from, a mattress on the floor to sleep on and odor eliminator spray to mask the strange smells of his well-used furniture.
As he enters the first phase of domestic living with a newfound mate, Man With Girlfriend will venture to a new frontier: the world of Swedish furniture superstores. His bed will be made regularly, and he will even have a dining room table and kitchenware to eat his meals from. He will keep his belongings in real pieces of furniture like shelves and bookshelves, no longer in old Amazon boxes.
Advancing along in the domestication process, our now-Married Man and mate, now wife, will share the mutual goal of picking out perfect furniture pieces from higher-end stores and trendy flea markets. After perusing several catalogs and engaging in several fights, our married duo will finally have a home’s worth of clever, matching furniture that instills inadequacy in other married couples who visit. There will now be a clear separation between “indoor” and “outdoor” furniture where none existed before.
In his fully domesticated state, Man With Kids has given up hope of trying to maintain nice, presentable furniture. As it is spilled upon, jumped on and torn, his furniture will see abuse far worst than his lowest point of living as The Single Man. There is just no point in having nice things when his offspring will inevitably destroy them. He’ll eventually put his mangled furnishings up for sale on online classified sites, only to be purchased by another Single Man, thus completing the cycle.
Decoration
The term “décor” is used loosely here, as The Single Man’s home is filled mainly with mountains of dirty laundry, discarded pizza boxes and heaps of clutter. He has made an effort to arrange this situation more hospitably by clearing pathways to navigate from his sofa to the kitchen and maintaining an unobstructed view of his 60” HDTV set. The only design aesthetics are posters from films like “Scarface”, “Blow” and “Fight Club” Scotch-taped or thumbtacked to the walls.
Man With Girlfriend has noticed an emergence of strange new items in his apartment: potted plants, dinnerware sets and, most baffling of all, a wide assortment of hand towels. His apartment also smells substantially better; he barely needs the odor eliminator spray. It’s alright, though, as his girlfriend has stocked the apartment with plenty of plug-in air fresheners.
Married Man’s home ecosystem is entirely filled with items he previously didn’t know existed: throw pillows, scented candles and a French coffee press. He can’t fathom how he ever got by without 1,000-thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. His dream is to furnish his home with the holy grail of domesticated living: the kitchen island.
The Man With Kids’ entertainment center is now six years behind the times and is used primarily for his children to watch the same three CGI cartoons: either talking trains, talking vegetables and/or something with a really catchy song. He only uses the TV in the background at night, muted of course, because he can’t wake his kids! He and his wife hunch over their laptops and attempt to feverishly devour a day’s worth of social media in an hour and a half.
Food
The Single Man obtains all of his nourishment from his primary meal: pizza. From grains to dairy, vegetables, fruits and meat, all the nutritional food groups are found in pizza. It’s a good thing he eats pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Man With Girlfriend, on the other hand, opts for a kale shake instead of a pint of beer. He won’t be having fries; he orders the quinoa instead with his veggie burger. Yes, his girlfriend is on a new diet, and she is taking him along for the ride. Deciding what to eat has gone from taking five minutes a day to several hours of negotiation, brainstorming and calorie counting.
The smell of dinner welcomes the Married Man home from his long day of telecommuting in the other room. Deciding what to eat now consumes the entire day — including meal times. The Married Man is subject to bizarre meal planning app experimentations and stays up late on the weekend to play with his new favorite toy: the smoker.
Then there’s Man With Kids, who is a human garbage disposal who secretly eats whatever the kids don’t finish both because of his unending diet and his kids’ finicky palates.
Cleaning
The only time The Single Man cleans his apartment is 30 minutes before a girl comes over. He does this with lots of odor eliminator spray.
Man With Girlfriend’s apartment may appear cleaner, but the bathroom is simply out of control. Instead of just a razor and toothbrush, he now has inherited from his girlfriend half of the local drugstore, crammed into 10 square feet.
Married Man constantly finds himself in fights with his wife over emptying the dishwasher, mowing the lawn and replacing the toilet paper roll. If only they could afford a housekeeper or have someone around to help them with these chores.
Man With Kids has learned the #1 benefit of having children: He can now delegate emptying the dishwasher, mowing the lawn and replacing the toilet paper roll, all under the guise of developing work ethic. The chores are done 30 minutes before Mom and Dad come home.
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Posted: March 25, 2015

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