So you’re a renter in your brand new apartment. You’ve bought a new set of furniture and a new smart TV. But you still have too much money left. Does this situation sound familiar? Don’t worry, you’re not alone, and we’re here to help. Destroying cash is illegal, but luckily, there’s another way to easily reduce your cash on hand: losing the security deposit on your apartment. Here are a few tips on how to lose your security deposit quickly and easily.
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Paint the apartment without asking permission.
Painting is a great way to break rules right off the bat. Choose a weird color — the brighter, the better — and don’t be afraid to really get it everywhere. Do not do a good job. For bonus points, paint a matching streak on the floor! Treat your apartment like a modern art installation.
DON’T: Ask your property manager to explain the policy on painting before you do it, and especially don’t get it in writing. This would lead to a clear mutual understanding, which is the fast track to getting your deposit back. No thanks!
Drill into the walls to hang artwork and leave the holes unfilled.
What’s the biggest painting you own? That’s not big enough. Find a bigger one, and make sure it’s heavy! We’re talking at least 20 pounds. Drill into the wall to create holes to hang it on. You can even drill extra holes that aren’t necessary to hang the painting. When you move, just take the painting and you’re done! It’s really that easy.
DON’T: Thoroughly fill all holes with caulk before you move out. Leave those babies gaping open or you might face a big fat security deposit refund, and no one wants that.
Encourage that mold in your bathroom while you enjoy a long, hot shower. The thicker and darker the mold (like velvet!), the better. Take the hottest, longest shower you can, and really close yourself off with closed windows and a closed door.
DON’T: Open the window or turn on the ventilation. That will take the precious humid air right out of your bathroom. You want to preserve as much of it as you can for maximum mold growth. Whatever you do, don’t let that hot, swampy air escape!
Train your dog to scratch the door every day.
Hang meat on the door if you have to. Just make sure that entry is good and scratched! You can also get creative: Doors are easiest to scratch, but if your dog has especially sharp nails, he or she might be able to scratch the surrounding walls too. If you have a hardwood floor, ask your dog to try scratching that, too. The sky’s the limit when it comes to scratching!
DON’T: Paint or repair the scratches when you move out, and if your floor is scratched, do not buff it. The door (or floor) should look like it barely survived a natural disaster.
Leave a mess when you move out.
This one is easy and fun. Just leave everything as it is! The bigger the dust bunnies, the more cooked-on gunk on the stove and in the oven, and the more trash stashed in corners, the better. You can expand upon your mess by bringing in discarded furniture you find on the street or other people’s trash. Anything goes!
DON’T: Clean up your mess thoroughly and leave a list for your property manager of exactly what you cleaned. That’s a good way to — you guessed it — get that deposit back. We’ll pass!
Move furniture across your hardwood floors without using furniture pads.
When it comes to not getting your deposit back, hardwood floors are a gold mine. If you’re lucky enough to have them, make a habit to push, slide or heave your furniture across them often, leaving the deepest scratches possible. This method is not only fun and loud, it’s also a sure bet for losing that deposit! Plus, your neighbors will detest you and also wonder what on earth you are doing.
DON’T: Pick up your furniture while moving it or put anything soft beneath the legs to minimize the damage. Do not go out and purchase furniture pads, which are cheap and readily available at hardware stores.
There you have it. If none of this works, just try yelling at your property manager!
Good luck!
PS: We would like to think that you know this is tongue-in-cheek, but we are making that point here for you literalists or humorless folks – do not follow these directives without first consulting with your attorney.